What’s in it for me?

This is the mentality with which I approached situations for a long time. What’s in it for me? What am I going to get out of it? I didn’t know that this was my approach, but it was. Everything was bartered. Transactional.

And the “What’s in it for me” mentality is far from unique.

Maybe this makes sense in our society, given how we raise kids into adulthood.

• Do X and you’ll get Y.
• Eat your vegetables so you can enjoy dessert.
• Complete a chore, receive a reward.
• Get a job to earn money.

We’re always focused on the reward. What’s in it for me?

We see advertising play into this mentality constantly. For five easy payments of $29.95, there’s something out there that will make your life better and solve all your problems.

When we have this approach, it becomes invasive and worms its way into every aspect of our lives.

Example: Relationships.

It took a lot of growing up before I realized the fault in this type of thinking. I saw relationships, even my marriage, as battles to be fought. Me versus you. Always keeping score.

This is not the way to foster a healthy relationship, but it works great if you want to breed resentment and anxiety.

My antidote for this line of thinking came in the form of accepting two truths:

1) I can only control MY actions, behavior, and reactions.
2) I am responsible for my happiness. No one else.

From there I realized that I needed to move from “What’s in it for me?” to “Give first.”

No more keeping score. No searching for blame to place. Instead, taking full and fierce personal responsibility.

When it comes to negative, toxic relationships, well, life is too short for that. But for the true friendships, the meaningful partnerships, and the people in our lives for whom we feel constant gratitude, the answer is to give first and without expectation.

Embracing this mentality is freeing (no more worrying if you’re winning or getting what’s due). It’s satisfying (so much more than focusing on that perceived reward).

And interestingly, practicing the Give First approach has allowed me to clearly identify the relationships in my life, which merit all the effort I can muster (versus the negative ones, for which life is too short).

The good ones, the important ones, range from my relationships with my husband and children, to the friendships I have with people seldom seen, but I know that if we ran into each other, we could talk for an hour with genuine interest and concern.

If you’ve read this far, you’re probably one of those people.

So many questions and thoughts race through my mind in the course of a day.

I want to look at them and know them and understand them.

To identify when I’m not asking the right question and, though it will take introspection and the difficulty of tackling bad habits and negative behaviors, change the narrative for the better.